we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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