She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Randomize
