We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
