her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Randomize
