I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
