I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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