this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
