i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
