And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
