the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
