Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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