I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize
