I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
