Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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