running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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