Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
