Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
