Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
