I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
