I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
