I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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