dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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