woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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