I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
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