that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
