you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
