You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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