I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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