i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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