I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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