This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
