I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
