Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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