i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
