A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
