i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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