Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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