im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
