my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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