Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
