I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize