I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
