Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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