I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
