he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
