i will never coherently bang her
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
