In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
