Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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