mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
