I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
