Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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